At the start of 2016, I knew that at some point of time this year I would be moving to another country to study. I didn’t know when or where but I knew it was going to happen. With that in mind, you would think that I would have mentally prepared myself for the day to arrive when I actually did leave…
I am 17 days away from that day to arrive and I am filled with anxiety at the thought of it arriving sooner than I can imagine. You could say “it’s just going abroad to study, plenty of people have done it before.” Well that is true, I am quite certain that the majority would tell you that what I am feeling right now is a rather common feeling.
I used the word anxious to describe what I am feeling simply because I have not quite come to terms if its something I am excited for or dreading. So I guess the word anxious was as close as I got to finding a word that encapsulated both emotions.
I am excited because the thought of venturing beyond this red dot to discover and learn beyond daily academics is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I imagine it to be the first step into a whole series of adventures and learning experiences as I step into another phase of my life. An opportunity to grow and travel. To be honest, I am not even certain if this route I am about to take is the right one. After taking months to mull over it, I am still not a 100% sure. Despite that, I am still looking forward to grow in knowledge and see what doors open for me.
On the other hand, I am dreading being away from family, friends, loved ones. It’s a typical reason really. Nothing out of the ordinary but yet that emotion weighs heavy on me. It’s not that I cannot be independent but I enjoy living in comfort of having them around and not 6,302km away from me.
Also, the worry of not being sure what to expect is something that I struggle to get over. My head comes up with a hundred things that could go wrong and the feeling of feeling lost in another city eats away at me. My mind can’t seem to grasp the concept of not being in control. When I cannot control how certain things play out (e.g. being uncertain on where to go or what to do or how it will be like), I start to get anxious. And I have struggled with this for a long time coming. Thus, with each passing day that anxiety gets worse and worse. I get nightmares about how horrible school turned out to be and about taking exams when in actual fact I am simply on holiday and should not have a mind flooded with such thoughts to begin with.
With all that said, i guess it would be anyone’s presumption that the negative is weighing a lot more than the positive. Even if it’s true, I need to turn that minus into a plus because whatever the case may be, I am going. So I guess till that day arrives, I just have to live in the now and enjoy my time at home before the next chapter begins.